Why Flirting Comes Easily to Some and How Anyone Can Get Better

Some people flirt with ease. Others feel awkward and unsure. Psychology suggests the difference lies less in charm and more in behaviour, awareness and boundaries — skills that can be learned.

A bartender chats warmly with a lone customer, asks about their day and makes them feel seen. The conversation flows, time passes quickly, and the customer enjoys the attention. Flirting, at its best, creates comfort and confidence.

“When someone flirts with you, you feel valued, and your sense of desirability increases,” says Gurit Birnbaum, a professor at Reichman University. Being flirted with feels good — but it may also shape behaviour in deeper ways.

Birnbaum studies flirting in long-term relationships. She notes that even committed partners often fantasise about others. “That’s normal and doesn’t mean something is wrong,” she says. To explore whether fantasy can reduce real-life temptation, she created a virtual reality experiment.

Participants flirted briefly with a computer-generated bartender in a virtual bar. Afterwards, they met either an attractive interviewer or a stranger needing help. Those who had flirted in virtual reality found the interviewer less attractive and spent less time helping the stranger. They also reported stronger desire for their real-life partners.

The findings suggest that harmless flirting — in a safe, controlled context — may reduce the urge to flirt in real life and even strengthen relationships. But Birnbaum warns of limits. Clear personal and partner boundaries matter. Exposure to infidelity among peers, she says, can normalise cheating — a phenomenon known as “contagious infidelity”.

Personality also plays a role. Narcissism and attachment insecurity increase the risk of crossing lines. “Predicting when flirting turns into infidelity depends on many factors,” Birnbaum says.

Why Many People Struggle to Flirt

Not everyone feels confident flirting. In a large Reddit poll, nearly 7,000 men ranked poor flirting skills among the top reasons they were single.

The good news: flirting can be taught. In one study, adults who received just three hours of training showed better flirting ability and higher confidence.

Body language matters. Expansive posture — standing tall, facing the other person, taking up moderate space — increases romantic appeal for all genders. These cues signal confidence and openness.

According to T Joel Wade of Bucknell University, such behaviour is usually unconscious. “People don’t think about it. It’s a natural display of comfort and belonging.”

Overt and Covert Flirting

Flirting isn’t always obvious. Maryanne Fisher from St Mary's University explains that most flirting is nonverbal. Gestures like touching hair or adjusting clothing — known as “self-grooming” — subtly signal interest.

Research shows that flirting styles differ more by gender expression than sexual orientation. Men and people identifying as masculine tend to flirt more openly, while women and feminine-identifying people often use indirect signals.

Studies by Jenn Clark (University of British Columbia), Flora Oswald (Pennsylvania State University) and Cory L Pedersen (Kwantlen Polytechnic University) suggest these patterns are broadly universal.

Another subtle tool is the “tie sign” — behaviours that signal commitment, such as sustained eye contact, shared laughter, or placing an arm around a partner. These cues can discourage unwanted advances without direct confrontation.

Misreading the Signals

Men are more likely to overestimate romantic interest, while women often underestimate it. Friendly behaviour, such as smiling, is sometimes mistaken for attraction. This misunderstanding can lead to discomfort, especially in service roles.

Fisher notes that some businesses have faced legal challenges after instructing women staff to smile and engage warmly with customers, behaviour that can be misread as sexual interest.

The Bottom Line

Good flirting is less about lines and more about empathy, confidence and respect. It works best when it makes others feel comfortable — not pressured — and when boundaries are understood.

Like any social skill, flirting improves with awareness and practice. Done well, it can build confidence, strengthen relationships and help people connect — without crossing lines.

Note to readers: The article is based on peer-reviewed psychological research and expert commentary from academic psychologists in Canada and the United States.